New World

o this is it.
I'm not even surprised, a couple hours after the talk began. "We" don't exist anymore.
When he started to speak, I could feel my heart beating faster and a deep tremor rise from my stomach. I was surprised, yet, I think I had known it for weeks.
A New Life, A New World To Seeeee... I chose that title, because our love was like justice in that song: a dream. We've dreamt away without really building anything.

As we were talking, I just thought of music. I can sing again, or at least listen. He's given me the guts to really listen to music again, even though he couldn't stand me when I sang. So that's what I get back. Music.

But I have no life to go back to. Nowhere I belong. My hometown where I was a sad loser, or Brussels, where I was a devastated slutty down and out. This country may be a nice place to start on over. Still, I'm afraid of starting on over on my own.
I'm afraid Mom will try and persuade me to take the --only-- reasonable decision, namely to go back to my hometown and run the shop. I know that I don't want it. I'm just afraid not to be strong enough to resist the convenience of just knowing where to go.

All by myself, don't wanna be... Hahaha!

I don't mourn yet. I don't know what I've lost yet.
I shut the love up, safely locked in the dark, deep inside.

It would be ironic for me to unchain my love now -- only now -- right?

I'm stunned. Thinking about my birthday. It's been ages since I had a happy birthday. I'll be alone that day, here in the empty flat. And it will probably be my first contact with what Im supposed to feel already.

What I want for tomorrow --starting today, actually-- is to be Tori Amos's (wo)man with a parasol (The seated woman with a parasol may be the only one you can betray -- if i'm the seated woman with a parasol, I will be safe in my frame).

And -- if I ever get desirable again -- to be confident and happy and strong enough to watch aeroplanes take you away again, and to look up with a glare in my eyes.
And to just believe that, although I'm not like the girls that you've known, I still believe I'm worth coming home to kiss away night.

No grim days ahead.
But low profile.
No drawing attention again.
Independence.
Pride.
Still confidence.

Yay.